Two Bimbos in Bali

Bali - a place packed full of culture and tradition (and about 50,000 Aussies). I've just returned and think I have finally defeated Jet Lag and thought I'd give you a guide to this beautiful place. Here is how two very British and not so intelligent (it seems) girls got on on a celebratory end of Uni budget holiday. 

The Flight

As we sat staring at the in-flight information screen a bit bored and cramped after almost thirteen hours on a plane, two very questionable statements were expressed. Firstly, looking at the word 'Equator' and pronouncing it 'Eh-quah-tor', I exclaimed "I thought that was in Africa, but it appears to keep moving?". No, you utter moron. You're mistaking it with 'Ecuador' which is actually pronounced 'Eh-qua-dor', and it's in South America (yep, may have just Googled that). The equator, pronounced 'eh-qway-ter' is that thin line that goes around the entire world.

Laughing and somewhat shocked as you probably now are, I wasn't the only one with mashed potato for a brain. While confusedly looking at the map of the world and highlighting the significant distance between each edge represented by LA and Auckland, my friend says, "cor you've got a bloody long flight ahead of you when you fly that distance on your travels later this year?" Yep, she totally forgot that tiny detail that the world is in fact ROUND making the distance a lot smaller. 

The Roads

Now, I drive and personally think that I'm pretty good at it (much to some peoples disagreement) but I am more than glad that we got a driver and taxis in Bali and didn't attempt to take on the death traps that are their road system. It's not even the roads themselves. They are perfectly lined and actually have better pothole conditions than most of the roads in Suffolk. It's the drivers. Lanes? What lanes? They ignore every line, signpost and often the policemen who act as traffic lights because if they weren't there then these would also be ignored. The beeping is insane and mostly means 'get out the way I am about to crash into you', and the amount of near misses we had sat in the back cringing and hoping not to die was uncountable. Most people use Mopeds to get around so the proportion of cars is significantly less and bikes swarm the tarmac, weaving in and out, almost getting squashed every five minutes. I just know if I'd have attempted even for a second the road rage would have been unbearable.

The Currency

This caused some laughs too. We both bought our currency from the Post Office before we left and my friend, who is much more efficient than myself, ordered first telling me that £300 works out as roughly RP 4,500,000 - I know! In my brain though, which is possibly the most illogical thing to exist on this planet, I was thinking prices would still be RP 6.50 for a meal etc - I was so prepared to be rich! I was wrong. Though very cheap, meals were on average RP 100,000 and a pint was about RP 50,000 of their unregulated beer (who knows what percentage each bottle is, who needs to know that anyway?). That said, we did have plenty of money but this soon went because we were unaware of the sneaking, conning locals. 

I'll give you an example. We were mooching around a beautiful Temple which was Hindu but also had a little Buddhist Temple within it. Intrigued, we ventured across the bridge and lovely scenery to said Temple to find a lady inside praying. Feeling respectful and already guilty enough for planting our tourist butts upon their place of worship, we left her to it but she noticed us and invited us in. "Isn't she a kind lady?" I hear you say. No. She proceeded to splash water on our heads, put rice on our neck and face, a flower in our hair, say something to Buddha and then demanded a donation. My friend had a 20,000 note so gave her that and we attempted to leave. She had heard me say that I only had 100,000 notes so made me donate too, resulting in us paying about £6 to get splashed. I may be blessed and you've kind of got to give it to her for her success, but I wasn't happy so went to a cash point and withdrew 1,000,000 in rebellion to last me for the rest of my time. I didn't need that much but when else will you get the opportunity to withdraw that amount from a cash point? It had to be done.

The Lizard

I'll leave you all with probably the funniest moment of the entire trip. The lights were out and we were both tucked up in our beds when my friend tells me in a panicked tone that there was a lizard in our room. Having seen a fairly large lizard at the Temple that day, I asked her in comparison to that how big this thing was. She claimed dramatically that is was bigger. So, I got out of bed thinking fair enough I don't particularly want that to eat me in my sleep and went to the fridge where is was hiding behind on the wall... it was a sodding Gheko. The smallest thing I've ever seen. Meanwhile, my friend was sat on the bed claiming if I didn't remove it from the room by either killing it or chasing it out the door (as easy as that would be...not) that she would not sleep. Being the greatest friend that I am, I attempted but every time I tried to slide something under him to get him to run on and take him outside he moved ridiculously fast. I did this for approximately 45 minutes until he ran quicker than ever up to the air conditioning unit. I gave up, told my friend to man up and went to bed, feeling guilty that his cold blooded state probably meant that I indirectly killed him that night. R.I.P.

So, if you're planning a trip to Bali anytime soon there are a few things to remember. Watch out for the locals wanting all of your money, avoid driving at all costs and remember that health and safety regulations are non-existent. In England we step peacefully onto safely moored up boats at a harbour with calm water, in Bali it is a case of running into the roughest sea until it reaches your bum and jumping on, slipping over then two guys literally throwing you on board, to name one example of the lack of rules.

Despite the experiences we had though, it is a beautiful country and well worth a visit!